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Monthly Archives: May 2016

Know More about Break Up Tips

Pretty much every one of us have heard – or even said – this line as a method for consummation a sentimental relationship. The issue is that it regularly leaves the dumpee thinking the definite inverse.

Yet, is there truly an approach to make a spotless and genuine break? Is it ever OK to lie when finishing a sentimental relationship? Could you IM him or her that it’s over, or do you need to do it in individual? Is it truly conceivable to be companions with your ex after a separation?

WebMD went to the specialists to get the best separation counsel ever. Perused this before you even consider expressing another clichã©d separation line or messaging the terrible news to your impending ex.

# All Relationships Are Not Created Equal

“The nature of how to handle a breakup has to do with how you experience a relationship,” says New York City-based psychoanalyst and psychotherapist Janice Lieberman, PhD, who specializes in relationship issues.

For starters, she says, not every relationship deserves a dramatic breakup. There are no hard and fast rules about what constitutes a relationship. “There are people who think they have a relationship with two dates and people who don’t think they are in a relationship after 20 dates,” she says. “If you have gone on one or two or three dates, not calling is breaking up, but after some kind of romantic and sexual encounters, it is a courtesy to call,” Lieberman tells WebMD.

“Sometimes it’s easier not to call, and there are people who will just run away,” she admits.

The explosion of Internet dating has also muddied the waters in terms of when an actual breakup is necessary, she says.

“People have Internet relations for a long time and then elevate to phone calls. Sometimes it takes a long time for a face-to-face encounter. This can be problematic, because people get very involved with each other and then when they finally meet, there are so many other cues that indicate they’re not suited for one another,” she says.

The warning signs that a breakup is imminent have also changed thanks to Internet dating, Lieberman says.

“People will go out with someone they met on Jdate.com or match.com, and then you can see if they are surfing the Net and looking for someone else,” she says. This is far less subtle than, say, acting cold on a date or not calling when you said you would.

# Stick to the Relationship Facts

“Face-to-face or phone contact is a must,” Arnold says. “It’s important to give the person with whom you are ending the relationship the chance to ask questions and feel the sentiment underneath the words.”

Be as direct and honest as you can, she advises. “Don’t engage in tit-for-tat arguments. Stick to the facts: ‘It’s not working, it’s no one’s fault, we need to make a change.'”

# Don’t Break Up Over Email

The tabloids widely reported that pop star Britney Spears broke up with her now-ex-husband Kevin Federline via a text message. But text messages, emails, or other high-tech message delivery systems are not the best medium for ending a romantic relationship.

Social networking sites, including MySpace and Facebook, allow users to post comments on one another’s pages, but they should never be used to end a romantic relationship. Nor should web sites like Breakup Butler, which delivers several types of prerecorded breakup messages ranging from let-them-down-easy to downright mean.

“If it’s a casual encounter, a text message is OK. But to my mind, it’s better to call and speak or go out to dinner,” Lieberman says.

“The news of a breakup should never be broken over text or email,” says Alison Arnold, PhD, a therapist in Phoenix who is also known as ‘Doc Ali,’ the life coach on the VH1 series Scott Baio Is 45 … and Single. “Texting a breakup is the coward’s way out,” she says.

# Can You Be Friends With Your Ex?

Whether or not two people can remain friends after a breakup depends on the two people and their feelings about the end of the relationship.

“If someone is very much in love — and [then] broken up with– and forever trying to get back with that person, then having a platonic relationship does not work,” Lieberman says. “If you are still in love with the person and want them back, the best thing to do is go cold turkey.”

While many a jilted lover claims to seek closure by going back just one more time after a breakup, such closure is a “fantasy or a hope,” Lieberman says.

If in your heart of hearts you really want to get back together, the best thing to do if the other person is not into it is to get out of it,” she says.

Arnold agrees. “Do take at least eight weeks with no contact. No phone. No ‘let’s get together for coffee.’ No nothing,” she says. “You need time to detox and get in touch with yourself again.”

Talking every day as “friends” is also a no-no. “That just keeps the wounds and hope open and working,” Arnold says. “Don’t keep calling to ‘check in,’ hear how his or her day was, or if the dog ate his dinner. Cut the cord in all ways.”

# Prescription for Healing After the Relationship Ends

“Do learn from each relationship,” Arnold says. “Write down five things you appreciated about this relationship that you would like to have in the next one, and five things you would not like to create next time.”

Instead of stalking your ex or making up excuses to call or see him or her, “keep yourself busy with new activities, old friends, and healthy distractions,” Arnold says.

“Don’t get right into a new relationship, she advises. “Don’t medicate your sadness with a new person. It isn’t fair to either of you.”

Dating after Divorce? When?

In case you’re separated, or have finished a long haul relationship, good natured relatives and companions may urge you to begin dating again soon. However, in what manner will you know when you’re prepared for another relationship?

“This uncontrollably changes from individual to individual,” says Judith Sills, PhD, a Philadelphia-based therapist and creator of Getting Naked Again: Dating, Romance, Sex, and Love When You’ve Been Divorced, Widowed, Dumped, or Distracted. “Everybody closes a relationship by lamenting the enthusiastic speculation. For a few people, that happens before they move out. Others are still candidly hitched after the separation is last.”

Dena Roché began dating while sitting tight for her legal documents to come through.

“It helped, because I got to see what ‘normal’ looked like,” Roché says. “I also saw that my ex wasn’t the only guy who would want to be with me. It bolstered my confidence for dating.”

Claudia Barnett needed some alone time to heal before seeking a new relationship.

“Your marriage has died; you need to grieve that loss,” Barnett says. “To move forward, I had to be whole emotionally, financially, mentally, and spiritually. After I accomplished some set goals, I knew it was time.”

Here’s what experts say you should consider before dating:

# The ex factor

If you’re still thinking about what your ex is doing or whom he’s dating, you’re too distracted to begin a healthy relationship.

“Some people date and even marry to try to prove something to an ex,” says Edward M. Tauber, PhD, a California-based divorce counselor and co-author of Find the Right One After Divorce. “You wouldn’t date somebody who’s still tangled up with an ex emotionally. Why offer that to somebody else?”

# Accept yourself as an individual

Your identity has nothing to do with your dating status. Rather than jumping into a new relationship to avoid being alone, give yourself a chance to explore life on your own terms.

“You can’t heal unless you’re on your own,” Tauber says. “You need to find single friends to have a social life with.”

# Are you open to new experiences?

If you were in a committed relationship for a long time, the idea of beginning a new romance may seem scary. If you’ve recently tried other activities that bring you out of your comfort zone, you could be ready to date.

“Have you done something that’s an affirmation of yourself and your life — made a new friend, taken up a new sport, gotten a haircut?” Sills asks. “You open your heart to new relationships when you’re resilient enough to endure the minuses of dating to get the pluses.”

# Things have changed since the last time you were dating

Not only have you changed since you were last single, but so have your social life, circle of friends, and routines. You might meet a new partner through a friend or by clicking with a mysterious stranger — but you may also want to consider online dating.

“The advantage is you have a pool of people who are looking, like you are,” Sills says. “When you drop off the kids at school, there might be a single person there, but you don’t know them.”

# Go by your feelings, not the calendar

Some people are ready to date after 2 months; others may need years. Don’t rush. It’s important to experience the emotions associated with divorce.

Give yourself “a little time to think, a little time to grieve, a little opportunity to find someone else,” Sills says.

# Dating is an adult decision

Some single parents don’t date because they’re worried about the effect it may have on their children. You don’t let your children make other decisions for you, so don’t let them keep you from dating if that’s something you want to do.

But be careful.

“Do a very slow introduction of a new partner,” Sills says. “It should be a serious person with the potential of a long-term relationship who comes to dinner or the zoo as mom or dad’s friend.”

Healthy Relationship?, Here Its Tips

healthy-relationshipRomantic connections are critical for our joy and prosperity. However with more than 40 percent of new relational unions finishing in separation, unmistakably connections aren’t generally easy.1 Fortunately, there are steps you can take to keep your sentimental association in great working request.

# Keep interesting

Between kids, careers and outside commitments, it can be difficult to stay connected to your partner. Yet there are good reasons to make the effort. In one study, for example, researchers found couples that reported boredom during their seventh year of marriage were significantly less satisfied with their relationships nine years later.4

To keep things interesting, some couples plan regular date nights. Even dates can get old, though, if you’re always renting a movie or going to the same restaurant. Experts recommend breaking out of the routine and trying new things — whether that’s going dancing, taking a class together or packing an afternoon picnic.

Intimacy is also a critical component of romantic relationships. Some busy couples find it helpful to schedule sex by putting it on the calendar. It may not be spontaneous to have it written in red ink, but setting aside time for an intimate encounter helps ensure that your physical and emotional needs are met.

# Talking openly

Communication is a key piece of healthy relationships. Healthy couples make time to check in with one another on a regular basis. It’s important to talk about more than just parenting and maintaining the household, however. Try to spend a few minutes each day discussing deeper or more personal subjects to stay connected to your partner over the long term.

That doesn’t mean you should avoid bringing up difficult subjects. Keeping concerns or problems to yourself can breed resentment. When discussing tough topics, though, it pays to be kind. Researchers have found that communication style is more important than commitment levels, personality traits or stressful life events in predicting whether happily married couples will go on to divorce. In particular, negative communication patterns such as anger and contempt are linked to an increased likelihood of splitting up.2

Disagreements are part of any partnership, but some fighting styles are particularly damaging. Couples that use destructive behavior during arguments — such as yelling, resorting to personal criticisms or withdrawing from the discussion — are more likely to break up than are couples that fight constructively. Examples of constructive strategies for resolving disagreements include attempting to find out exactly what your partner is feeling, listening to his or her point of view and trying to make him or her laugh.3

# When should couples seek help?

Every relationship has ups and downs, but some factors are more likely than others to create bumps in a relationship. Finances and parenting decisions often create recurring conflicts, for example. One sign of a problem is having repeated versions of the same fight over and over. In such cases, psychologists can help couples improve communication and find healthy ways to move beyond the conflict.

You don’t have to wait until a relationship shows signs of trouble before working to strengthen your union. Marital education programs that teach skills such as good communication, effective listening and dealing with conflict have been shown to reduce the risk of divorce.

# Reference :

1 Kreider, R. M. (2005). Number, timing, and duration of marriages and divorces: 2001. Current Population Reports. Washington, DC: U.S. Census Bureau.

2 Lavner, J.A. & Bradbury, T.N. (2012). “Why do even satisfied newlyweds eventually go on to divorce?” Journal of Family Psychology, 26 (1): 1-10.

3 Birditt, K.S., Brown, E., Orbuch, T.L., and McIlvane, J.M. (2010). “Marital conflict behaviors and implications for divorce over 16 years.” Journal of Marriage and Family, 72 (5): 1188-1204.

4 Tsapelas, I., Aron, A., and Orbuch, T. (2009). “Marital boredom now predicts less satisfaction 9 years later.” Psychological Science, 20 (5): 543-545.