There are a variety of ways that you can draw in and date ladies. You can abstain from getting into the friend zone by concentrating on an assortment of various components in general. On the off chance that you will likely figure out how to keep away from the friend zone, then you should concentrate on a few straightforward tips that work. The accompanying will help you pick up the high ground in any circumstance. In the event that you are going to really motivate ladies to abandon you outside of the friend zone, then here you go, the best thing that you can do to get pushing ahead when you’re figuring out how to maintain a strategic distance from the friend zone.
# Ask Her Out (Just Do It)
After you have been friends for a short span, the next thing is simple, ask her out. That’s right, you need to ask her out. Making sure that ask her out will clearly define what you want, and what women will want overall. You will not be able to go forward without this. You need to make sure that you ask her out and make sure to say that it’d be a date, not just as friends.
# Do Not Act Like Her Other Friends
You need to be able to be her friend, but not in the same way that other friends are. You need to separate the relationship that you have in a certain manner. Talk to her about her dreams, where she wants to go, where she wants to visit, and things along those lines. Now, when you’re discussing things with her, drop hints about going to places together, and perhaps explore being more than friends. Sometimes, just dropping hints will get her thinking, and eventually will help you gain the goal of existing the friend zone. You cannot learn how to avoid the friend zone, if you act like her other friends.
# Touch Her In Subtle Ways
Give her attention as more than a friend. Reach for her hand when things are a bit dangerous, open doors for her, and be affectionate lightly. You want to make sure that she feels your touch, when it feels natural. The best way to do this, is to make sure that you are attentive to being a gentleman at all times. You don’t want to overdo this, or even overthink it. If you overthink this, you’ll seem desperate and you’ll go the wrong way. Touch her as a gentleman, looking to help her with simple things, and she’ll pick up on it as you commence learning how to avoid the friend zone.
It’s an all inclusive feeling. Your accomplice was excessively inaccessible, or you were too candidly joined, however whatever the reasons, you wound up on the wrong side of a separation. You go after the frozen yogurt and get ready for the downpour of feelings.
We’ve all been in this position some time recently. Those of us who have encountered love have presumably experienced harmed too—But why? What variables add to a terrible separation, and what exacerbates a few breakups than others? Through connections research, we can reveal why a few breakups appear to be generally effortless and why others appear to delay into forever.
Numerous elements add to the way we prepare data, so it bodes well that numerous elements additionally add to how upset we feel after a breakup. For example, a survey study1 on young adults’ reactions to a recent breakup revealed multiple influences on their feelings of distress, including how the relationship started, what the relationship was like, how the relationship ended, and how each partner perceived relationships in general.
Specifically, people felt more distress after the breakup when they had pursued the relationship in the first place, when they felt more satisfied and committed during the relationship, and when they had a longer-lasting relationship. People also felt more distress when they didn’t initiate the breakup and when they thought their partner was interested in someone else (in other words, when they felt like they had been “left” for another partner). Finally, people’s thoughts, feelings, and beliefs about relationships—that is, their attachment style—influenced their distress; people who were more anxiously-attached (who desire excessive closeness and tend to be clingy) felt more distress after the breakup.
Other research supports the idea that our attachment style shapes how we react to breakups. For instance, an online survey2 of over 5,000 participants showed that anxiously-attached people tended to react to breakups with feelings of distress, as well as with a whole host of other negative emotions and behaviors, including self-blame, anger, depression, and even obsessive thoughts and attempts to get back together with their ex. On the other hand, avoidantly-attached people (who feel uncomfortable being close to and needing others) tended to react by…well…avoiding others, including ex-partners and potential new partners, as well as friends or family who might be able to support them. In contrast, securely-attached people (who feel comfortable being close to and relying on partners) tended to react by turning to friends or family for support.
Securely-attached people seem to have the right idea when it comes to coping with the end of a relationship, according to another survey study3 of young adults’ adjustment to breakups. This work highlights the links between people’s attachment styles and their social connectedness (that is, their general sense of support from their social environment, such as their friends, family, and community). This study suggests that people who were securely-attached believed that they had a supportive social environment that could help them through distressing times. And the stronger the social support system people believed they had outside of their romantic relationship, the better they were able to adjust after that relationship ended.
Although there seems to be no cure (yet) for a broken heart, this research suggests that many factors can help make heartbreak less painful. In fact, one of the biggest determinants of how you react to a breakup may be the kind of attachment style you have. Feeling comfortable with closeness, feeling confident in yourself, and feeling secure in your ability to find love can set you up to handle a breakup with a clear head and an open heart. Furthermore, having a strong support system to help you through stressful times can ease the blow of a breakup. So put down the ice cream, call up your friends, and surround yourself with people who can remind you to love yourself and stay optimistic even in the toughest times.
1Sprecher, S., Felmlee, D., Metts, S., Fehr, B., & Vanni, D. (1998). Factors associated with distress following the breakup of a close relationship. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 15(6), 791-809.
2Davis, D., Shaver, P. R., & Vernon, M. L. (2003). Physical, emotional, and behavioral reactions to breaking up: The roles of gender, age, emotional involvement, and attachment style. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 29(7), 871-884.
3Moller, N. P., Fouladi, R. T., McCarthy, C. J., & Hatch, K. D. (2003). Relationship of attachment and social support to college students’ adjustment following a relationship breakup. Journal of Counseling & Development, 81(3), 354-369.
Romantic connections are critical for our joy and prosperity. However with more than 40 percent of new relational unions finishing in separation, unmistakably connections aren’t generally easy.1 Fortunately, there are steps you can take to keep your sentimental association in great working request.
# Keep interesting
Between kids, careers and outside commitments, it can be difficult to stay connected to your partner. Yet there are good reasons to make the effort. In one study, for example, researchers found couples that reported boredom during their seventh year of marriage were significantly less satisfied with their relationships nine years later.4
To keep things interesting, some couples plan regular date nights. Even dates can get old, though, if you’re always renting a movie or going to the same restaurant. Experts recommend breaking out of the routine and trying new things — whether that’s going dancing, taking a class together or packing an afternoon picnic.
Intimacy is also a critical component of romantic relationships. Some busy couples find it helpful to schedule sex by putting it on the calendar. It may not be spontaneous to have it written in red ink, but setting aside time for an intimate encounter helps ensure that your physical and emotional needs are met.
# Talking openly
Communication is a key piece of healthy relationships. Healthy couples make time to check in with one another on a regular basis. It’s important to talk about more than just parenting and maintaining the household, however. Try to spend a few minutes each day discussing deeper or more personal subjects to stay connected to your partner over the long term.
That doesn’t mean you should avoid bringing up difficult subjects. Keeping concerns or problems to yourself can breed resentment. When discussing tough topics, though, it pays to be kind. Researchers have found that communication style is more important than commitment levels, personality traits or stressful life events in predicting whether happily married couples will go on to divorce. In particular, negative communication patterns such as anger and contempt are linked to an increased likelihood of splitting up.2
Disagreements are part of any partnership, but some fighting styles are particularly damaging. Couples that use destructive behavior during arguments — such as yelling, resorting to personal criticisms or withdrawing from the discussion — are more likely to break up than are couples that fight constructively. Examples of constructive strategies for resolving disagreements include attempting to find out exactly what your partner is feeling, listening to his or her point of view and trying to make him or her laugh.3
# When should couples seek help?
Every relationship has ups and downs, but some factors are more likely than others to create bumps in a relationship. Finances and parenting decisions often create recurring conflicts, for example. One sign of a problem is having repeated versions of the same fight over and over. In such cases, psychologists can help couples improve communication and find healthy ways to move beyond the conflict.
You don’t have to wait until a relationship shows signs of trouble before working to strengthen your union. Marital education programs that teach skills such as good communication, effective listening and dealing with conflict have been shown to reduce the risk of divorce.
# Reference :
1 Kreider, R. M. (2005). Number, timing, and duration of marriages and divorces: 2001. Current Population Reports. Washington, DC: U.S. Census Bureau.
2 Lavner, J.A. & Bradbury, T.N. (2012). “Why do even satisfied newlyweds eventually go on to divorce?” Journal of Family Psychology, 26 (1): 1-10.
3 Birditt, K.S., Brown, E., Orbuch, T.L., and McIlvane, J.M. (2010). “Marital conflict behaviors and implications for divorce over 16 years.” Journal of Marriage and Family, 72 (5): 1188-1204.
4 Tsapelas, I., Aron, A., and Orbuch, T. (2009). “Marital boredom now predicts less satisfaction 9 years later.” Psychological Science, 20 (5): 543-545.
Introduction standing out one’s hand and looking at someone else without flinching—can startle for the modest lady. The cerebrum locks up as you scramble to consider something significant to say. You go into disrepair when you’re approached what you accomplish as a profession. You stammer. The warmth ascends in your face and under your arms. You’re all of a sudden unequipped for framing a linguistic sentence. You contemplate internally, “Why might anybody think about me? I’m truly not that fascinating!”
Fear not. Many shy people have succeeded in meeting new people and forming lasting, happy relationships. With a little practice, you can too. Here are some tips for taming your social terror.
# Breathe. Whenever you feel your heart racing, breathe deeply and slowly. If you really start to feel uncomfortable (your face has become so hot you could use it for a wok), excuse yourself and go to the restroom.
# Smile. People respond well to people who smile. No need to grin like an idiot, but a disarming smile will get ‘em every time. Smiling conveys friendliness and approachability. Show teeth whenever possible. Avoid looking like a figure at a wax museum by practicing in a mirror before you leave the house.
# Listen to what the other person is saying! This is important. Instead of fretting about what you’ll say next, still your mind and listen. If a man tells you about his weekend on the golf course, and you know absolutely nothing about golf, just ask him what he likes about it, how he got into it, etc.
# Compliment the other person. Sincerity is key, so find something you like and mention it. You may be freaked out by the idea of complimenting a man on his soulful eyes, so mention his watch, suit, tie, or even his shoes. No need to go overboard: “Nice shoes,” will do it.
# Prepare a pitch. The question, “So, Sally, what do you do for a living?” is bound to come up, so have a ready answer. No need to brag about capturing the company Tidy Break room Award; just state clearly what you do for a living and don’t apologize for it.
# Ask questions. People love to talk about themselves (okay, except for people like you), so ask questions. Come up with a list before you leave the house, i.e., How did you get into that line of work? Where did you go to school? Have you seen the new Brad Pitt movie? And so on.
# When you fumble, turn the subject to the other person. Whenever you find yourself longing to throw a blanket over your head and crawl off, try saying something like, “And what about you?”
# Stay on top of current events. You don’t necessarily want to bring up your stand on Bush v. Kerry during a first meeting, but be able to discuss less controversial issues intelligently.
# Remember the weather! Some people have the “gift of gab,” the ability to make strangers feel like they’ve known them forever. They are fearless about talking about the weather, gas prices, whatever. Shy people worry that talking about mundane things will make them appear stupid. But seemingly dull subjects like the weather affect everybody. People relate to them.
# Hold your head up. It’s the simplest, most effective way to look confident. Good posture, coupled with that fabulous smile of yours, gives you a “winner’s vibe.” You’re guaranteed to be a hit!
Be warned: These tips will not help you if you don’t leave the house. It’s just too easy to watch the Friends finale for the umpteenth time instead of meeting people, but I promise you that Prince Charming is never going to climb through your bedroom window.
Talking to strangers can be uncomfortable, but with practice it will surely get easier. If you have a bad night, congratulate yourself for making the effort. When you have a good night, understand that you earned it. Know that countless wonderful nights are on their way to you.
Jealousy is a confused theme with a considerable measure of moving parts – it is an interpersonal circumstance that includes the desirous individual, his or her social accomplice, and a conceivably undermining rival. Specialists concur that envy likewise includes three, related segments: (1) feelings, including outrage, trouble, apprehension, and uneasiness, (2) contemplations, for example, suspicions or stresses over the circumstance, and (3) practices, which include any way that the desire is “carried on,” including conveying it to your accomplice or to the rival.1
It is clear from your question that you are experiencing all three of these components. As an interpersonal communication researcher, I focus on the behavioral aspect of jealousy and I believe that it is the most important component – relationships and other individuals are, after all, only affected by your jealousy once you let them know that you are jealous. You have clearly expressed your jealousy to your partner because you mention that he doesn’t think you should be jealous. What you didn’t note – and what is potentially very important – is how you communicated your jealousy. Did you explain your feelings calmly? Did you yell and scream or throw things? Did you become very quiet and deny feeling jealous? There are many different ways to express jealousy and research consistently finds that the most effective way to do it is integratively, that is, by being direct, but expressing yourself calmly and constructively explaining how you feel and what you are thinking. In fact, the more romantic partners use integrative communication to express their jealousy, the more satisfied and committed they are in their relationships.2
Another way to think about your jealousy situation is by considering how your partner is responding to your jealousy. His reaction will depend on how you communicate that jealousy to him, and again, the integrative expression of jealousy is recommended. Research has determined that, when jealous individuals use positive, direct jealousy messages, their partners are less likely to be uncertain about the jealous individuals’ behavior.3 Their partners are also more likely to experience positive emotions and respond with similar, positive messages, including trying to come to an understanding about the jealousy situation.4
Jealousy should not be belittled – you are experiencing it; right or wrong, perceived or accurate, it does need to be managed in some way. And you are not alone – a 2008 survey of members of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy found that romantic jealousy was a major problem for one-third of their therapy clients, which suggests jealousy can have significant effects on romantic relationships.5 My recommendation is to continue to monitor the situation, communicate your jealousy to your partner in a positive, integrative manner, and take his perspective into account. A little humor might help too (e.g., joking to your partner and friend that she is his “other wife” might diffuse the situation a bit). Good luck!
1Pfeiffer, S. M., & Wong, P. T. P. (1989). Multidimensional jealousy. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 6, 181-196.
2Bevan, J. L. (2008). Experiencing and communicating romantic jealousy: Questioning the investment model.Southern Communication Journal, 73, 42-67.
3Bevan, J. L., & Tidgewell, K. D. (2009). Relational uncertainty as a consequence of partner jealousy expression.Communication Studies, 60, 305-323.
4Yoshimura, S. M. (2004). Emotional and behavioral responses to romantic jealousy expressions. Communication Reports, 17, 85-101.
5White, G. L. (2008). Romantic jealousy: Therapists’ perceptions of causes, consequences, and treatments. Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy, 7, 210-229.
Everyone seems to agree that infidelity is just about the worst thing that can happen in a romantic relationship. In many societies across the world, adultery is more likely to end a relationship than infertility, personality conflicts, inadequate money, and conflicts with in-laws. 1 Perhaps that’s also the reason why infidelity is a common reason for taking revenge against romantic partners.2
But not everyone’s experience with infidelity is the same. Some cheaters are forgiven, and some relationships actually survive. Research tells us that there are two possible reasons why adulterated relationships persist and cheaters are forgiven. One reason has to do with how the infidelity is discovered. To be sure, there are no “good” ways to find out that your partner has been cheating on you. But some ways might be less destructive than others. Given a choice, which of the following would you rather experience?:
(a) have your partner tell you that he/she had been cheating before you suspected or asked about it
(b) find out about it by investigating your suspicions
(c) catch your partner in the act
(d) find out about it from a third party
If you are like the participants in Walid Afifi, Wendy Falato (Nichols), and Judith Weiner’s study,3 your relationship would get worse regardless. However, people whose partner told them about it without first being asked showed the smallest decline in relationship quality. The biggest declines in relationship quality came from catching the partner in the act, and from finding out from someone else. Interestingly, people who first heard about it from their partner were also more likely to forgive him or her.
A second reason that relationships survive and cheaters are forgiven involves how the victim thinks about it. Julie Hall and Frank Fincham asked victims to explain the event, indicate how much they forgave their partners afterward, and whether their relationships ultimately survived or ended.4 Their study showed that people were more likely to forgive their partners – and stay in the relationship – when they made more benign explanations for their partners’ behaviors. That is, they believed that their partners cheated on them just that one time, only because of a difficult situation, and that it would not happen again. In contrast, people were less likely to find forgiveness and stay together if they explained it in more negative and durable ways. For example, those people believed that their partner cheated because he or she is untrustworthy in many different circumstances, and was unlikely to ever change.4
In the end, cheating will inevitably harm even the most solid of relationships. But the ways in which it gets managed and perceived might change what happens afterward. Relationships appear to be more likely to survive and cheaters more likely to be forgiven when the infidelity was disclosed first by the person who cheated, and when the conversation about it gives the victim a reason to believe that this was an unusual, one-time event that happened for some reason other than the cheater’s malicious intent.
1Betzig, L. (1989). Causes of conjugal dissolution: A cross-cultural study. Current Anthropology, 30, 654-676.
2Tafoya, M., & Spitzberg, B. H. (2007). The dark side of infidelity: Its nature, prevalence, and communicative functions. The Dark Side of Interpersonal Communication (2nd Ed., pp. 201-242). Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
3Afifi, W. A., Falato (Nichols), W. L., & Weiner, J. L. (2001). Identity concerns following a severe relational transgression: The role of discovery method for the relational outcomes of infidelity. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 18, 291-308.
4Hall, J. H., & Fincham, F. D. (2006). Relationship dissolution following infidelity: The roles of attributions and forgiveness. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 25, 508-522.
You may call it your fantasy date, your model, or, in case you’re the commonsense sort, you may call it your rundown of absolute necessities. Despite the encircling, in case you’re single-and-looking then you presumably have a thought of the kind of sentimental accomplice a great many. What’s more, albeit a portion of the qualities you’re searching for are most likely alluring to everybody (e.g., reliability), you may likewise be after other identity attributes that are appealing to a few yet not to others (e.g., complexity). At last, however, does it truly make a difference? What exactly degree do we really pick accomplices who look like our “optimal accomplice” pictures?
In a recent series of studies, Eastwick and colleagues1 found that it depends on the context. Partner preferences (the list of must-haves and must-have-nots) were found to predict people’s dating choices when they read about potential dates (i.e., dating profiles), but not when they had real-life interactions with these potential dates. In other words, although ideal partner preferences mattered a lot when people were evaluating their potential dates on paper, those preferences were thrown out the window once people met their potential dates in person.
But it’s not that ideal partner preferences don’t make a difference down the road. Indeed, in Eastwick and colleagues’ third study, they found that people are happier with partners who live up to their romantic standards. So why do our decision making capabilities fail us so when it comes to making that crucial initial choice? The researchers believe that it is because of the emotional reaction that comes from first meeting a potential partner. On those first few dates when we’re getting to know someone, our rationality seems to get a bit overpowered by factors such as chemistry and attraction. As a result, instead of coldly evaluating the new love interest against our standards, we tend to see the person in the most favorable way possible. Indeed, Eastwick and colleagues found that when participants actually met someone they liked, they would view their potential partner’s traits in a more positive light. For example, after having a positive encounter with a potential date who claimed to be proud, participants were more likely to associate the word “proud” with the word “confident”, rather than with the word “conceited”. In this way, the participants convinced themselves that their new, attractive date was close to their ideals…maybe even closer than the date actually was.
Of course, we know that in established relationships, seeing one’s partner with rose-colored glasses can beextremely beneficial. But is this sort of motivated reasoning adaptive in that very early, “trial-phase” of the relationship? Or, when trying to assess a brand new romantic partner, is it better to be as accurate and discerning as possible, in an attempt to end up with someone who actually lives up to our ideals? We really don’t know at this point. Future research is needed to explore exactly how much rationality, versus how much intuition, leads to better mate-selection choices in the long-run.
Interested in learning more about relationships? Click here for other topics on Science of Relationships. Like us on Facebook to get our articles delivered directly to your NewsFeed.
1Eastwick, P. W., Finkel, E. J., & Eagly, A. H. (2011). When and why do ideal partner preferences affect the process of initiating and maintaining romantic relationships? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
To summarize Bertrand Russell, force is central in the sociologies, much like vitality is for material science. In spite of its significance, therapists still ponder what control truly is and how precisely it capacities in cozy connections. Impression of force imbalance seeing someone have been connected to various negative feelings, including depression.1 A portion of the enormous hypotheses that have attempted to clarify force, for example, value theory,2 which suggests that both accomplices in a relationship are inspired to have results that are equivalent. While this is decent in principle, the information really demonstrate that reactions to imbalance contrast contingent upon whether you are over-or under-profited. Albeit negative influence is ordinarily experienced by both accomplices, the under-profited accomplice encounters a greater amount of them all the more seriously, especially in the event that they are male. 3 at the end of the day, on the off chance that you sense that your accomplice has more power and gets significantly more out of the relationship than you do, you will encounter more negative emotions and have diminished fulfillment with your relationship, especially in the event that you are a man.
So, let’s say your partner has a lot more power and control in your relationship, and you are not satisfied. What can you do about it? Much depends on the source of the power inequity, how much leverage you have to make change, as well as your partner’s motivation. The more powerful partner is typically not as motivated to change as the less powerful partner. This probably does not surprise, but how does someone get more power?
Does one partner have greater control over financial assets? The resource theory of power4 would propose that whoever has control over the money has more control in the relationship. Other economists build on this idea, stating that the partner who has greater education (earning potential is highly correlated with education) has more leverage.5 Also, if one partner brings with them expertise on something (e.g., she works for a life insurance company), that partner will be perceived as having greater decision-making authority in that domain (e.g., she decides what kind of insurance policies to buy). If you are perceived as being the one who knows about how the money in your relationship is best spent, then you would typically be given control in that domain. If you are perceived as knowing a lot more about child care, then that domain would be where your control/leverage/influence would likely lie. If both partners are motivated to alter the inequity that exists in the relationship, and there is not much that can be done about financial contributions, the domains of decision-making authority might be one avenue to explore with each other. In which domain(s) do you feel the greatest inequity? What would make the balance of outcomes feel more equitable to you?
Power is not something that one person has over another. It is simply the ability or potential to influence the behavior or outcomes of another person. Therefore, power cannot exist within one person independent of a relationship; power is granted. Being the more dependent partner is not easy; you need the more powerful partner to accomplish your goals to a greater extent than they need you. The way you can influence him or her will depend on what has worked in the past.6 For example, if you want to take a vacation, but your partner has control over the money and the way you spend your time together, asking directly about taking a vacation together may not be effective. Rather, discussing how a vacation together would be relaxing and relationship enhancing can activate the “us” social identity that you share, and make him or her more receptive to working jointly to achieve a desirable outcome that benefits both of you.
1Glass, J., & Tetsushi, F. (1994). Housework, paid work, and depression among husbands and wives. Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 35, 179–91.
2Hatfield, E. (1983). Equity theory and research: An overview. In H. H. Blumberg, A. P. Hare, V. Kent, & M. Davies (Eds.), Small groups and social interaction (Vol. 2., pp. 401-412). Chichester, England: Wiley.
3Lively, K. J., Steelman, L. C., & Powell, B. (2010). Equity, emotion, and household labor. Social Psychology Quarterly, 73, 358-379.
4Blood, R. O., & Wolfe, D. M. (1960). Husbands and wives: The dynamics of married living. Glencoe, IL: The Free Press.
5Costa, D. L., & Kahn, M. E. (2000). Power couples: Changes in the locational choice of the college educated, 1940-1990. Recent Developments in Urban and Regional Economics, 182, 263-291.
6Raven, B. (2008). The bases of power and the power/interaction model of interpersonal influence. Analyses of Social Issues and Public Policy (ASAP), 8(1), 1-22.
Is it true that you will probably be pulled in to somebody who is into you? Alternately do you like those that don’t respond your advantage? This is one of those situations where your instincts may not be right. You should be cool and make light of your enthusiasm for somebody to motivate them to like you, isn’t that so? Nope; things being what they are there’s a considerable measure of examination demonstrating that we tend to like those individuals who like us right back.
That is just fine, yet in this present reality at times it’s not clear how somebody feels about you. Possibly they are sending blended flags or you’re getting clashing data about their enthusiasm from your shared companions. On the other hand you won’t not have any thought how they feels about you since you’re excessively terrified, making it impossible to try and converse with them. Basically, what happens when you are indeterminate about their sentiments about you? Do you like them less or more?
A new paper published in the journal Psychological Science (which is sponsored by the Association for Psychological Science, a.k.a., APS), Whitechurch, Wilson, and Gilbert (researchers at the University of Virginia and Harvard, respectively) tackles this question. In their study they randomly assigned female participants to receive one of three types of feedback from four men who had viewed their Facebook profile. In the first condition, they were told that these men had given them high ratings (i.e., “based on looking at your Facebook profile, these men thought they would really like you”); in the second condition they received lukewarm feedback from these men (i.e., “these men thought they would like you about average”). They were then asked to rate how much they liked these men. Not surprisingly, and consistent with past research, the female participants reported being more attracted to the men who liked them the most.
What about uncertainty? In a third condition, the women were told that they had no information about what these men though about them (“they might have seen your Facebook profile and liked you. Or they might have given you average ratings”). It turns out that the female participants liked these men most of all!
In their additional analyses, the researchers looked at the psychological processes operating along with uncertainty. They note that when we are uncertain we ruminate about things more. In their analysis they show that women receiving uncertain feedback spent more time thinking about their male counterparts, and thus liked them more.
The bottom line, at least for you men out there, is that the lack of information about your interest will turn women on more so than letting her know you like her or don’t. The less information she has about how you feel about her, the more uncertain she will be, the more she’ll think about you, and the more she’ll like you. At some point you’ll probably have to tip your hand and let her know how you feel, but if you can keep her waiting a bit, it might make her more attracted to you. Just don’t be a jerk about it! (that last comment is just an editorial comment, not necessarily something that comes from this research 🙂
It’s important to note that all of the participants in this study were female; future work will hopefully see if these results extend to men’s attraction to their female suitors as well. But the findings certainly are interesting and have direct implications for those early interactions between partners when they’re still gauging each others’ interest.
Rather than simply giving a top ten list of where individuals meet, we’re arming you with the basic principles at play during initial encounters:
# Tend to be similar to people who are nearby. You probably chose your particular college, job, or place to live for the same reason as others. “Birds of a feather flock together” and people tend to be attracted to similar others.2 So, to meet a partner you need to go to the places where those similar to you hang out. Clubs or groups that you are passionate about, as well as classes or other community organizations, are a good starting place.
# Physical closeness leads to psychological closeness. You have to interact with a person to have a relationship with him or her, and being around each other ups the chances of having an interaction. Potential partners are all around– in your neighborhood, in one of your classes, in your church, or in a cubicle down the hall. Not only does physical proximity increase the odds of meeting and interacting with someone, but just seeing a person a lot can lead you to like them more (known as the “mere exposure effect”).1 The girl (or guy) next door will have an advantage in winning your heart because you see that person more often. Like a fungus, she (or he) is going to grow on you whether you realize it or not.
# Don’t overlook the role of social networks in introducing you to others.3 Roughly half of all relationships begin when individuals are introduced to each other by a mutual acquaintance, and two out of three people know members of their partners’ social networks prior to meeting. Social networks also take an active role in selecting particularly suitable mates. The moral of this story is that if you don’t like your current pool of dating partners, it might be time to get some new friends.
This article was adapted from the book The Science of Relationships: Answer Your Questions about Dating, Marriage, & Family.
Interested in learning more about relationships? Click here for other topics on Science of Relationships. Like us on Facebook to get our articles delivered directly to your NewsFeed.
1Zajonc, R. B. (1968). Attitudinal effects of mere exposure. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 9, 1-27.
2Byrne, D. (1971). The attraction paradigm. New York: Academic Press.
3Parks, M. R. (2007). Personal Relationships and Personal Networks. Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Pretty much every one of us have heard – or even said – this line as a method for consummation a sentimental relationship. The issue is that it regularly leaves the dumpee thinking the definite inverse.
Yet, is there truly an approach to make a spotless and genuine break? Is it ever OK to lie when finishing a sentimental relationship? Could you IM him or her that it’s over, or do you need to do it in individual? Is it truly conceivable to be companions with your ex after a separation?
WebMD went to the specialists to get the best separation counsel ever. Perused this before you even consider expressing another clichã©d separation line or messaging the terrible news to your impending ex.
# All Relationships Are Not Created Equal
“The nature of how to handle a breakup has to do with how you experience a relationship,” says New York City-based psychoanalyst and psychotherapist Janice Lieberman, PhD, who specializes in relationship issues.
For starters, she says, not every relationship deserves a dramatic breakup. There are no hard and fast rules about what constitutes a relationship. “There are people who think they have a relationship with two dates and people who don’t think they are in a relationship after 20 dates,” she says. “If you have gone on one or two or three dates, not calling is breaking up, but after some kind of romantic and sexual encounters, it is a courtesy to call,” Lieberman tells WebMD.
“Sometimes it’s easier not to call, and there are people who will just run away,” she admits.
The explosion of Internet dating has also muddied the waters in terms of when an actual breakup is necessary, she says.
“People have Internet relations for a long time and then elevate to phone calls. Sometimes it takes a long time for a face-to-face encounter. This can be problematic, because people get very involved with each other and then when they finally meet, there are so many other cues that indicate they’re not suited for one another,” she says.
The warning signs that a breakup is imminent have also changed thanks to Internet dating, Lieberman says.
“People will go out with someone they met on Jdate.com or match.com, and then you can see if they are surfing the Net and looking for someone else,” she says. This is far less subtle than, say, acting cold on a date or not calling when you said you would.
# Stick to the Relationship Facts
“Face-to-face or phone contact is a must,” Arnold says. “It’s important to give the person with whom you are ending the relationship the chance to ask questions and feel the sentiment underneath the words.”
Be as direct and honest as you can, she advises. “Don’t engage in tit-for-tat arguments. Stick to the facts: ‘It’s not working, it’s no one’s fault, we need to make a change.'”
# Don’t Break Up Over Email
The tabloids widely reported that pop star Britney Spears broke up with her now-ex-husband Kevin Federline via a text message. But text messages, emails, or other high-tech message delivery systems are not the best medium for ending a romantic relationship.
Social networking sites, including MySpace and Facebook, allow users to post comments on one another’s pages, but they should never be used to end a romantic relationship. Nor should web sites like Breakup Butler, which delivers several types of prerecorded breakup messages ranging from let-them-down-easy to downright mean.
“If it’s a casual encounter, a text message is OK. But to my mind, it’s better to call and speak or go out to dinner,” Lieberman says.
“The news of a breakup should never be broken over text or email,” says Alison Arnold, PhD, a therapist in Phoenix who is also known as ‘Doc Ali,’ the life coach on the VH1 series Scott Baio Is 45 … and Single. “Texting a breakup is the coward’s way out,” she says.
# Can You Be Friends With Your Ex?
Whether or not two people can remain friends after a breakup depends on the two people and their feelings about the end of the relationship.
“If someone is very much in love — and [then] broken up with– and forever trying to get back with that person, then having a platonic relationship does not work,” Lieberman says. “If you are still in love with the person and want them back, the best thing to do is go cold turkey.”
While many a jilted lover claims to seek closure by going back just one more time after a breakup, such closure is a “fantasy or a hope,” Lieberman says.
If in your heart of hearts you really want to get back together, the best thing to do if the other person is not into it is to get out of it,” she says.
Arnold agrees. “Do take at least eight weeks with no contact. No phone. No ‘let’s get together for coffee.’ No nothing,” she says. “You need time to detox and get in touch with yourself again.”
Talking every day as “friends” is also a no-no. “That just keeps the wounds and hope open and working,” Arnold says. “Don’t keep calling to ‘check in,’ hear how his or her day was, or if the dog ate his dinner. Cut the cord in all ways.”
# Prescription for Healing After the Relationship Ends
“Do learn from each relationship,” Arnold says. “Write down five things you appreciated about this relationship that you would like to have in the next one, and five things you would not like to create next time.”
Instead of stalking your ex or making up excuses to call or see him or her, “keep yourself busy with new activities, old friends, and healthy distractions,” Arnold says.
“Don’t get right into a new relationship, she advises. “Don’t medicate your sadness with a new person. It isn’t fair to either of you.”